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Pulls her hair back as she screams
I don’t really wanna live this life - Train, ‘Meet Virginia’

Names, Labels, and Living in Our Society

I decided to try going by a more gender-neutral name recently. I’ve only asked a few close friends to start referring to me as it, but it’s a start. I want to see if a name can change my perception of self, behavior, and other’s reactions to me. I want to see if I can be more myself with a new name. The thing is, just as I didn’t choose to be Bethany-Faith, I didn’t really come to the conclusion to be Alex on my own either. My best friend suggested it as I threw name ideas at her. Thomas, Caleb, and Jonathan had been rejected. And I figured, Alex, okay, sure, I can do that, and looked up its meaning. "Defender/Helper of Mankind" - why the heck not? Besides, Alex can be interpreted to mean Alexander or Alexandra, and if I want to truly have a fluid gender(s), it’s best when I can be perceived as anything I damn well want. Of course, I don’t really care what pronoun people use with me...

So... I have a new, unofficial, name. Will I like being referred to as it? I liked my nickname of Olga in high school, and even responded to nicknames such as Vicki Jaggler (my ‘porn star’ name according to a friend, when using the traditional method of creating a porn star name I’d actually be Binky Union). How much different will Alex be than Beth? Will Alex be different than Beth at all? Or was Beth another one of my hiding mechanisms, pretending to be someone I wasn’t? Will Alex be a hiding mechanism too?

The problem is, by changing how I wish to be referred to, am I catering to the society that would see fit to give "genders" to words and names? Or am I simply adapting to life in such a society? I like to think I’m adapting. Who knows what the truth is? I live in this society, I have to. And life is a compromise. I like to think this is the best compromise I can make right now. What do you think?

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