Main - New - Writing - Modern Mythology - ZooQueer - Greenwood - Depression - Misc - FAQ - Links
Main - New - Writing - Modern Mythology - Zoo
Queer - Greenwood - Depression - Misc - FAQ - Links
Radical Revision Exploratory
30 April 2001
So everything about me is a lie
At least it seems that way
When I look in your eyes
The truth scares the shit out of me - Stabbing Westward
...
My mother went to a reading for my performance poetry class today. At one point, when I was reading the first of two poems I performed, I looked over and saw her crying. Later, in the car as she drove me to the dining commons, while chatting, she asked me why I’d gone to so many transgender related events lately. She asked me if it was something I thought I’d have to deal with. How could I tell her yes? That I am questioning my very gender, something that she has been taught is set in stone? How could I say that to my feminine, womanly liberal feminist mother?
Stone blues. Stone butch blues. How can I verbalize the things I’m too scared to even think about? And why am I so scared in the first place? When I talked to my best friend about my fears, she laid them to rest, saying that it’s who I am that she loves, not what I am. When I talked to the first friend that I came out to as gay, he was his normal skeptical self, but still caring. When I talked with a good friend here at college, he simply said, "That’s cool," and shrugged. Why am I so scared of something that the people around me seem so comfortable with?
So what is it that I’d like to explore in my final project? Hmmmm... let me think... I know! Gender and my relationship with it! There! That wasn’t so hard, was it? HA! Just writing the last two paragraphs, knowing that tomorrow someone is going to READ THEM scares the fucking SHIT out of me. I think that fear is the common thread that winds its way through my past three pieces. If that doesn’t come across in them, well, that’s because I’m good at hiding. Like I said in #3, my best friend yells at me for hiding a lot. She wants me to be more open about who I am with others. Writing about being an outsider is sort of my shield. I say that it’s a strength, and that’s by no means a lie, but it also isn’t the whole truth. Talking about the upside often casts shadows over the downside. It’s scary, and hurtful, to be constantly outside looking in. It was hard to even say that Stone Butch Blues affected me emotionally. I didn’t want to be seen as ‘like them’, whomever the ‘them’ could be termed as - stone butches, he-shes, trannies. It’s like, I already feel marginalized enough, why do I have to be constantly seeking more labels to throw on myself? Can’t I just be me? Well, society shouts a big resounding NO to that, because they want to throw me in some box. That means I have to find some box that works for me, some box that lets me be myself, without fail. How scary is that? The thing is, why should I give a fuck what society thinks of me? I have to live in it, that’s why. I can’t go somewhere where there isn’t a society.
I started this semester thinking I was some sort of outcast dyke, and I’m nearing the end wondering if I’m even a woman. My thinking has changed a lot, obviously. So, how do I want to go about exploring this new territory I’m entering? The easy answer would be - an essay! Well, no easy way out for me this time. I’ve decided on doing a website. Yes, on the Internet, where Other People can read it! Geez, isn’t that scary? But, it means I can’t hide as easily. I’ve promised my best friend that when the project is over, I’ll link to the project site from my regular website. And that’s a promise I intend to keep. This project is about making me end my habit of hiding from the world. I’m tired of hiding. So I’m not going to do it anymore. I’m going to explore my gender and my identity on the glorious information superhighway, and gods it’s gonna be an interesting discussion with my parents!